Verdict:
What the heck happened? Well, for one, something happened a while ago, starting with the 2nd movie in this franchise: business. While the original film may have been an attempt to cash in on a Disney park ride, it was also a genuine attempt by director Gore Verbinski to recreate the spirit of the classic pirate films of the previous century. The creative team was given room to build a simple self-contained film, and the result was glorious. But after the first film’s unexpected meteoric success, Disney smelled all this money in the water and tried to build a massive money-making machine, even after it became clear that their approach undermined the quality of the sequels.
It reminds me of the question why so many Christian movies are bad and the proposed answer that they prioritize pushing the message over the story. In the case of Dead Men Tell No Tales, the focus appears to be on pouring money into CGI-filled set pieces, in order to cash them in with hordes of kids who may not even speak English. Those kids just come to see the computer-generated keys jiggle in front of their faces for a couple of hours.
Couple that with the fact that the script went through so much chopping that it resembled a salad by the time the filming started, and it is understandable why this movie is such a cinematic disaster.
Consequently, what you get is dialogue that points out the obvious and lays down thick exposition. You get nonsensical plot points and scenes that don’t connect with the rest of the story. All of this is covered by a thick layer of CGI. I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw cartoon drawings of Jack Sparrow, as if they were leaflets at the Disney park.
What’s more perplexing is that, despite the film’s apparent target audience and immature tone, the story is bogged down with a metric ton of poorly weaved story beats that a younger audience would probably not care about. Some plot points appear to require prior knowledge of all previous movies, adding to the confusion. If you’re going to make a movie that appeals only to kids, what’s the point of adding all this complexity? This has been a problem since Dead Man’s Chest.
“Dude, this is the fifth movie in the series, what were you expecting?” Yes, you’re right, hypothetical stranger, but I guess, I expected that Javier Bardem and Johnny Depp are worth something on their own. And they are. While Depp’s portrayal of Jack Sparrow may feel like a tired reprise, it’s still entertaining. And whenever Bardem is on screen, his intimidating performances captures one’s attention. The dialogue doesn’t become any smarter, but he is still able to sell it. But then he goes away for a while, and everything goes right back to suck kingdom. The fact is: these two actors cannot salvage this wreck of a movie.
To sum up, Dead Men Tell No Tales is an exceedingly dumb CGI fest. May I suggest finding a YouTube supercut of all the scenes with Bardem in it?
You know what’s sad? It looks like this movie managed to turn a profit, so there may very well be another sequel. I guess this is a free market, and the public should get what the public wants. …I hate people.