Verdict:
Conan the Barbarian is a movie of extremes. The bad is really bad and the good is really good.
The acting ranges between heaven and hell. It is the early Arnold in the main role, so his acting leaves much to be desired, his charm notwithstanding. He is not the worst, however. Some actors got even worse lines to read and the lines are poorly dubbed at that. The boy at the beginning of the film does not say anything at all, just stares confused, even when his most beloved ones die. Someone forgot to tell this kid to begin acting.
However, the creators did the smart thing by limiting the amount of dialogue for those who cannot act and saving the speeches for those who can: James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow and Mako Iwamatsu.
Now we come to the most painful part of the film. There is a lot in this movie that either does not make much sense, is unintentionally funny or just plain stupid. The scenes have a point and purpose to them but will contain nonsensical events. For some reason, Conan decides that a random dead guy in a cave is his God. A woman helps him only to immediately try and kill him. And the dialogue…oh dear. The movie tries to make the phrase “You wanna live forever?” a catch phrase for one of the characters and it doesn’t fit at all. Silly dialogue like that contrasts strongly with some really good lines from James Jones’ villain, Thulsa Doom.
Despite the odd dialogue and a few awkwardly written occurrences, there is a structured and thematically charged story that makes sense and conveys a sense of epic adventure. The central theme is about the contrast between the powers of mind, body and weapons, but also about blindly following leaders or Gods versus choosing your own destiny. The story is not formulaic. For example, although the movie does have a romantic interest for Conan, she does not start like a typical lady character and does not play out like one.
The cinematography in this film is equally epic and it is what defines this film. Misty forests, snowy mountains, deserts and huge sets combined with some of the best costume design create a stylistic and unforgettable film. Those outfits with the big fur mixed with leather, Nordic runes and glistening muscles help construct the Barbian world. A lot of the costumes look like one of a kind and Conan himself carries a whole wardrobe with him because he is in something new every day.
The weapons can get a chapter of their own. They are important to the story, so care was taken with their appearance. Conan’s sword has become a recognizable pop culture icon, but various Asian fist blades and bows also make an appearance.
The music is excellent and is possibly the most memorable thing about this movie. There may be a little too much of it, like the orchestra couldn’t help itself but play over everything, pumping on and on, but it can stay as long as it wants, as far as I am concerned. String section, French Horns, piercing trumpets and the everlasting heavy thundering bass drums are responsible for much of the epic feel. When the drums of the main theme start roaring, I know right away where I am – in the far away steppes, with the wind on my left shoulder and a sword on my right shoulder.
Despite its flaws, Conan the Babarian is one of my favorite movies of all time. The things that are bad about it are almost entertainingly bad and the entertaining things are properly entertaining. As soon as you start groaning from the poor dialogue, the movie throws great looking scenery with an epic theme at you and you’re back on board. This movie could have easily been terrible, but it ended up in the right hands and it shines. It has so much character, and due to its themes and setting, it will be eternally relevant.
It should be noted that, it is a very male-oriented movie. Those biceps are not flexing for the ladies. This is a male power-fantasy through and through.